Eat Outside and Smile

While wandering through Kihei on Maui this spring, I ran across this sign standing guard in a lobby:

PLEASE ENJOY YOUR FOOD AND BEVERAGE OUTSIDE

It is a masterpiece of passive-aggressive hospitality.

Most establishments go with the blunt, functional approach: No Food or Drinks Allowed Inside. Clear, sterile, mildly authoritarian.

This sign, however, refuses to merely prohibit your behavior—it attempts to govern your emotional state while doing so. It doesn’t just exile you to the sidewalk; it demands that you have a marvelous time out there.

The grammatical ambiguity creates some truly absurd operational requirements:

• Sullen compliance is forbidden. If you step outside to finish your iced coffee with a flat, neutral expression, you are in direct violation of house policy. A visible grin is mandatory.
• The food must be good. If the takeout happens to be mediocre, you cannot legally consume it. The sign specifies you must enjoy it. Disappointment constitutes trespassing.
• Misplaced delight is a breach of conduct. If you accidentally experience genuine satisfaction from a sip of water while still crossing the indoor carpet, security is obligated to tackle you. Joy has jurisdiction, and that jurisdiction begins past the automatic doors.

You have to admire the efficiency. Why settle for keeping the upholstery clean when you can issue an executive order commanding public bliss?